Tuesday, January 3, 2012

New Year Life Changes

I joke that this month is when I begin to be a "real" grown up. I will be out of the house daily, away from the internet and comforts of home (see my priorities? ha!). I will have to manage the household on less time than I'm accustomed to, on even less money than usual, and with less time with my kids. Does this make me a "real" grown up? Have I met the qualifications yet?

I actually think that I've been a "real" one for almost 10 years now. College has become a time for young adults to discover who they are and choose who they want to be when they grow up. My college experience has been a little different. I won't say that it has been more difficult, because that isn't fair. I can't compare to what I don't know. The struggles I face do not make the struggles others have faced less significant just because I am a parent. All I know is what I've experienced. I've had to pull all-nighters not just because of exams, but because my day was spent caring for a sick child. I've had to manage when babysitters bail, when deadlines sneak up, and when vehicles breakdown at the worst time possible. I've spent the past 7 years of my education with a chip on my shoulder.

I've felt like I've had something to prove. That I needed to not only do well in school and finish to be something, but that I had to be the best at it too. That doing so will prove my worth to those who were hurtful and critical. I still struggle with that, though I feel like each day I am more able to let go of the hurt and thrive in being myself. I'm scared of what comes after graduation. I've defined myself as a student for so long that I'm not sure of who I am without that label.

I'm also excited. I am happy that this part of my journey is coming near an end so I can begin my next adventure. I know that I'm not where I thought I would be at 27, but that doesn't mean I don't like where I've ended up :)

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